


waitin' on the day

by ziamnerds



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, girlfriends are mentioned but not by name, v angsty crap but also v fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-23 23:08:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4895833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziamnerds/pseuds/ziamnerds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Moments scattered across Zayn and Liam's lives, from the moment they met.</p>
            </blockquote>





	waitin' on the day

**Author's Note:**

> my first real fic that i ever finished nice.

March 2010

Zayn looks across from the table at the pretty boy with the hair falling into his eyes. Liam, Zayn thinks his name was distantly. He’s awkward and Zayn is quite shy but Zayn can’t help but to stare at this boy. He’s got these beautiful brown eyes, deliciously broad shoulders and a smile that makes his eyes crinkle. (Zayn is a bit too endeared by this boy considering they’ve just met.) 

“I think you’ll get through, your audition was sick mate.” Liam says with a shy smile on his lips and takes a fry from his pile of fries.  
“Thanks, Although I’m even more certain you’ll get through. It’s not every day the entire audience stands up for an audition.” Zayn looks up at him through his eyelashes with a smile and he thinks he can see a red tint to Liam’s cheeks. 

“Hopefully we’ll both get through yeah? So we can be mates.” Liam says with a smile that makes his eyes crinkle and maybe Zayn wants to snog him. Just a bit. They fall into a silence but Zayn doesn’t feel awkward about it. Maybe he’s too tired to notice any awkward circumstances but he really feels comfortable around this boy, like he’s known him longer than he actually has. 

“Ey that’s a sick bracelet. I love Green Lantern too, I do love batman more though.” Liam says and he touches Zayn’s wrist to bring it closer to him so he could inspect it.

“Yeah. I like batman too. He’s sick. He’s definitely one of my favourite DC comic book characters.” Zayn smiles even more when they start getting into a conversation about which comic books they like and yeah, Zayn really hopes they both get through so he can become friends with this boy. 

2010 November

They’re huddled up together in Zayn’s bunk, their legs intertwined and their faces lying so close that their noses almost touch. Zayn can feel Liam’s hot breath on his lips and it makes it harder not to think about kissing him. Zayn does try to not think about that now though because Liam has these sad eyes and a worried pout on his face, so Zayn pulls an arm around him to try to make him happier. 

“I’m just afraid that I’ll mess everything up and I’ll ruin it for all of you.” Liam whispers into the dark and Zayn drags his hand up and down Liam’s back in a comforting manner. Not to feel him up, although if Zayn’s being honest Liam has a really nice back. So it’s like, a win-win situation. 

“I promise you won’t. You’ve worked your bum off every rehearsal and you put more effort into this than any of us. You’re going to be great.” Zayn blows some air into Liam’s face which makes him huff out a quiet giggle. 

“I know but I can’t help but think that I’m going to have a blackout and forget all the lyrics.” Liam mutters quietly and Zayn knows exactly what Liam is feeling. He also has doubts and insecurities about messing up on live television in front of millions of people but he tries not to focus on that. What he tries to focus on instead is the upset pretty boy right beside him only voicing his doubts to Zayn. 

“That would’ve been disastrous if you had been solo. Now, you have us If you fail, I will save you.” Zayn says with an over-serious voice which makes Liam giggle again. 

“It’s probably all in my head, I know.” Liam sighs and closes his eyes but Zayn, like a creep, continues staring at Liam’s resting face. “I just really want it to be perfect. I want us to win you know?” Liam says after a moment, his voice emotional and uncertain. 

“I know. Me too. So bad. We’re just going to have to hope for the best and maybe we’ll win” Zayn whispers into the darkness and they fall silent after that, and Zayn feels himself slowly drifting off to sleep. still cradling Liam in his arms. 

He doesn’t know if it’s him pre-sleep hallucinating but just right before he’s completely dragged under the wave of sleep, he feels soft fingers brushing against his neck and then press of lips against his own. 

 

July 2011

It’s 3:30 am and Zayn lets out sharp puffs of air. 

His fingers are fidgeting around a cigarette, in a desperate attempt to calm his shaking hands. It doesn’t help but at least he feels a false sense of security with the smoke from the cigarette. Zayn has dark circles under his eyes and his eyelids feel heavy and the fatigue is inhumed into his bones, even so, he is too wired to go to sleep. 

It’s one of the side effects of his job - always being tired but rarely getting to calm down enough to actually feel relaxed. When it all becomes a little too much for him to handle he smokes enough cigarettes to acquire lung cancer. It’s not the best solution, he knows that, but it works well enough.

Zayn doesn’t notice Liam standing next to him, so lost in his own thoughts, until Liam nudges his elbow against Zayn’s arm. Suddenly, Zayn’s chest feels cramped again, and he can’t quite get any air into his lungs. He went out to stand in the cold to get fresh air and smoke too many cigarettes and all he wanted was to get the smell of Liam’s cologne out of his system. (He tries to forget how he smells a bit like raspberries, mint and sweat and how it shouldn’t be so intoxicating). 

“Hi,” Liam says and Zayn only nods to acknowledge Liam’s attempt of a conversation. 

“You okay?” Liam asks and Zayn lets out a cloud of smoke before answering with a shaky voice.

“Yeah.” 

Zayn turns his gaze from the foreign city towards Liam’s red bitten lips and he absolutely does not imagine how they would feel against his own. He doesn’t imagine his lips being warm and a bit chapped. He doesn’t imagine either how his stubble would scrape against his skin. 

“Are you feeling homesick?” Liam tries again, pulling a warm arm around Zayn’s gaunt frame, hauling Zayn towards him. 

Zayn’s insides burns up like wildfire, flicking up his neck and up to his cheeks, and he tries to ignore his heart beating so hard it might hop out of his chest. 

“’m’ fine,” He responds harshly, his voice raspy from all the cigarettes he had consumed during the day. Zayn guesses it’s part of the reason why Liam is right there beside him, worrying about him. When Zayn gets too overwhelmed and stressed out, he chain smokes to keep calm. 

He is homesick, he misses his mum and dad and his sisters but he doesn’t feel like saying it out loud because then Liam would encourage Zayn to call his family but that would only make the ache in his chest worse. 

He feels this irrational anger towards Liam because Liam cares too much about Zayn and at the same time he doesn’t care enough. Zayn has convinced himself that it’s fine- it’s fine that Liam doesn’t feel the same way about Zayn. He’s fine. 

“We have a break in just a couple of weeks, you will be home again before you know it.” A smile diffuses on Liam’s lips and Liam pulls Zayn in closer, nuzzling his face into Zayn’s neck. Zayn’s heart falters as sees flashes from his daydreams where Liam is holding Zayn’s waist and kissing him, dragging his hands up Zayn’s shirt and - it’s unhealthy really, what Liam does to him. Without even being aware of it. That’s how it should stay, Liam not being aware of it.

“I know. Don’t worry about me. M’ just going to finish this then go to sleep alright?” He gestures towards his cigarette and manages a small smile.

“If you don’t want to sleep I can watch a film with you if you want? I know we have to get up tomorrow morning, but if you don’t feel alright I can stay awake with you” Liam suggests and Zayn sort of wants to grab Liam’s face and silence him with a kiss but instead he drops his cigarette onto the wet ground below the balcony and tugs Liam in for a hug. Zayn feels a bit overwhelmed by the light stubble that is scattered across his jaw, and the warmth of his hands pressed against the small of Zayn’s back.

“Thank you. You don’t have to though. M’ fine. I promise.” He plays with the hair in the nape of Liam’s neck and smiles. Zayn thinks he might combust one day from how beautiful Liam is, inside and out. 

Liam nods and walks back inside and Zayn takes a deep breath, just now realizing he had been holding it. 

 

October 2011

Zayn tells Louis about his feelings for Liam another late night, another city. Zayn feels high from the adrenaline rushing through his body like it always does post-show. They are standing on a hotel roof and Zayn should feel frightened by the height but if he’s being honest with himself, he can’t really feel anything but the buzz. His heart is beating in his shallow chest and the words blurt out of his mouth. It’s something he’d been wanting to say, to Liam, to anyone, to be honest, for a long time, but not knowing how to. 

“I think I’m falling in love with Liam.” The words feel unfamiliar in his mouth, and the way they roll of his tongue so easily without a doubt scares him. He feels a bit numb by it all, it’s like these words are the most true thing to him he’d ever known, although he doesn’t know what to do about it. It’s out there now, he thinks, and there’s no putting the words back in his mouth again. 

“I was wondering when you were going figure it out.” Zayn turns his head and stares at him, dumbfounded.

“What?”

“Oh Zayn.” Louis puts an arm around his shoulders and smiles widely. “You’re too obvious with your heart eyes.”

“I’m too obvious?” Zayn asks, his eyes narrowing on Louis. 

“Yeah. Harry owes me 5 quid. He bet that you would keep it to yourself until I asked you, but I reckoned you were going to tell me.” 

“You truly are shit friends.” 

“You love us.” 

“I do not. I hate you all.”

“Except for Liam. You love him.” Louis laughs at Zayn’s expression until Zayn breaks, and maybe he smiles a little. 

“On a more serious note, are you going to do anything about that? Like tell him your undying love? Or maybe you can just kiss him?” Louis asks him, a smile forming on his lips. 

“He has a girlfriend. I doubt that would work out.” Zayn sighs, not mentioning that he had contemplated that option too many times before. 

“Just bat your long eyelashes and pout your lips. Bulletproof flirting I might say.” 

“Oh shut up.” Zayn shoves him a little bit, but his smile growing wider and his chest growing lighter by every second, pleased to finally have someone to talk to. 

 

November 2011

Liam and Zayn are fooling around, play fighting, and Liam’s hearty laugh is ringing in Zayn’s ears so wonderfully. Zayn is doing a horrible job trying to push Liam off of him. (Maybe Zayn isn’t even trying that hard to get Liam off of him). 

Liam has a strong grip and keeps his hold on Zayn.  
“Looks like you’ve lost Malik” Liam sniggers and Zayn tries a bit harder this time to break free but doesn’t really care. It’s just that, he’s got a really, really pretty boy staring down at him whose smile reminds Zayn of sunflowers. 

“Don’t be so sure Payno.” Zayn laughs and tickles Liam where he knows by heart where he’s the mostt ticklish. Suddenly, Liam is giggling madly and Zayn’s stomach does way too many somersaults. They roll around and somehow Zayn ends up staring down at Liam with a wide smile. Zayn looks down at Liam and without thinking, Zayn moves his head closer to Liam’s, his heart thumping nervously in his chest. Liam’s giggles dies out a little and suddenly the room is quiet. He wonders for a moment if Liam can hear his heart beating, because the sound of his heart seems to be the only thing filling his ears. 

“Come on then. Come on.” Zayn’s voice comes out in a whisper and Liam smiles with his eyes twinkling. Zayn feels a surge of bravery pass fleetingly through his veins and he leans forward and presses his lips against Liam’s. Liam’s lips are soft against his own and Zayn sinks into the kiss and If Zayn’s heart was hammering hard in his chest before, it’s definitely about to break through the walls of his ribcage at any second now. 

The feeling of Liam’s lips fill his senses and a warm feeling spreads in his chest, reaching out to his limbs until he’s burning. Zayn is flames and fire and Liam is soft and quiet like the ocean. (He suffocates Zayn with the smoke they create together and Liam doesn’t even notice)

It’s as if he comes back from a dream finds himself in his own body again, he realizes what he is doing and let go of Liam’s lips. Liam is looking up at him with wide brown eyes and Zayn quickly scrambles off of him. 

“That was a joke, uh I mean accident.” Zayn hears himself say and he sort of wants to slap himself across the face. He feels like such an idiot. It wasn’t an accident. They both know it. 

“Okay. Accidents happen.” Liam’s voice is soft like honey but there’s something else in his voice that he can’t quite make out. Usually he can tell exactly what Liam is feeling by just looking at him but right now, his walls seems closed off and he doesn’t want to think about that so he pushes it away. 

“I’m going to get lunch. You hungry?” Liam’s voice echoes in the room and Zayn forces himself to look at Liam.

“Nah, I’ll see you later then.” Zayn smiles at Liam then hurries out of Liam’s hotel room with his head spinning. What the fuck just happened? 

Zayn storms into Louis’ hotel room his heart still beating fast and his head still spinning.

“I just fucking kissed him. I don’t know why but I just did,” Zayn says as soon as he locks eyes with Louis who looks a bit startled before he composes himself.

“Since you are brilliant at telling entire stories with such rich detail, I’m guessing him is Liam. Right?” Zayn nods. His head hurting a little less now. He wonders if Liam’s feeling as shaken up as he does but he doubts it, after all Liam is not the one who’s in love with his best friend. 

“You didn’t just freak out and run away right? Without saying anything. Oh Jesus did you say anything stupid?” Louis looks genuinely worried that Zayn said something absolutely idiotic, which he guesses he did.

“I freaked out. I didn’t think at first, but then I just realized what I was doing and then I told him it was an accident.” Zayn mumbles the last part and looks at his hands in his laps and wishes to cease from the surface of the earth because he feels like such an idiot. 

“You told him it was an accident? At least you didn’t tell him he had a bad breath.” 

“Not helping,” Zayn mutters and squishes his nose bridge between his fingers.

“Sorry. How did Liam react?” Louis asks him whilst folding his legs, examining Zayn with his sharply blue eyes.

“He said that it was okay. And that accidents happen. I didn’t really expect any less. It wasn’t like he was going to confess his undying love for me or anything so.” Zayn sighs and lies down on the bed. 

“Fuck” Zayn says under his breath. 

“That was not how I imagined how our first kiss would be like.” Zayn laughs, mostly because that’s all his brain can possibly manage to do right now. 

December 2011

Zayn looks across the room, his gaze on Liam as he runs after Niall. They are being annoyingly loud and Zayn hasn’t been able to have a cigarette or his morning coffee yet. But he doesn’t really mind. What’s actually bothering him though is that Liam and Zayn haven’t talked about the kiss. He isn’t sure whether or not he’s glad that they’re not talking about it. He doesn’t know what he would say to Liam if they were to talk about it: the “Hi I’m pathetically in love with you” doesn’t seem to be an option in his case. Zayn can’t help but wonder what would happen if he would tell Liam that. 

Zayn drives himself crazy, going over the moment where he leaned down and kissed Liam, over and over in his head. It’s disastrous, it’s what it is. He’s caught in a tornado of thoughts that consists of Liam and everything about him he wants but cannot have. 

Zayn can’t pinpoint the exact moment when he realized he was undoubtedly, horribly in love with his best friend. It started with a teeny tiny crush about half a year after they’ve first met. It was manageable, easy to forget and easy to push further down. Then it developed slowly over the course of a year and suddenly he was hit with the realization. Not really knowing how to handle it. He hadn’t been in love with anyone before, not like this and he feels a bit sick when he thinks about how his first time being in love is unrequited .  
Harry notices Zayn staring at Liam across the room and nudges his knee against Zayn from beside him on the couch. It’s a quiet question, to say ‘are you okay?’  
Zayn just smiles at him and Harry goes back to his phone, the moment forgotten.

 

January 2012

“Happy new year!” Liam shouts to Zayn over the loud music filling their ears. If they were sober they wouldn’t be standing this close to each other and Liam wouldn’t be holding Zayn like this. Zayn has to remind himself of this every few seconds so he doesn’t do another accident and snog Liam.  
“I Hope 2012 will great year.” Zayn answers with a slur and he pulls Liam in closer to him because Zayn is nothing but self-indulgent. (He just needs this. Just once.)

“Did you kiss anyone at midnight then?” Liam asks him and Zayn thinks it’s an odd question but the alcohol buzzing in his bloodstream makes him forget everything. Well, almost everything. (Zayn swears that urge to kiss Liam will haunt him for the rest of his life.)

“No.” Zayn replies, not mention the fact that he’d taken a cigarette when the transition between 2011 and 2012 occurred and he didn’t notice. He would’ve gladly snogged a pretty girl or a handsome boy, but instead he was smoking a cigarette and being miserable. A great way to start the year, truly. 

“Guess we’re the only ones then. Harry snogged Louis face off and I think Niall kissed two birds in like one minute..” Liam laughs and Zayn doesn’t think about how it sounds better than any song he’s ever heard. 

“I need some fresh air,” Liam says more to himself than to Zayn and opens the balcony door and steps out. Zayn follows him out, figuring he might need some air too. (He tries to shake the overwhelming need to kiss Liam.)

 

May 2012

Zayn knows it’s not a date. It’s just two friends hanging out, going to the movies, getting food, and then wandering the city late at night. Although it sounds like every first date Zayn’s ever been on. 

Zayn realized it was a bad idea to go on a “date” with Liam when he showed up in a snug fitting plaid shirt looking like something out of Zayn’s wet dreams. Then Liam took Zayn by the arm and dragged him along and Zayn knew he was doomed for death. 

“Okay what are we doing first then, Liam Payne?” Zayn asks, and puts his arm around Liam’s waist because he is nothing but a masochist. 

*  
Liam kept touching Zayn during the movie. He kept his hand on Zayn’s thigh until Zayn was sure Liam’s hand had burnt a hole through the fabric. It was extremely difficult to focus on the movie when Liam just casually leaned over to whisper something in Zayn’s ear, brushing his lips against Zayn’s cheek in the progress. When they later stroll out of the cinema and Liam asks Zayn what he thought about the movie Zayn can’t really give him an opinion. 

Zayn wonders when Liam had the power to make Zayn this fidgety and nervous because usually not even performing in front of thousands of people made him feel like as when Liam touched him. 

 

June 2012

Zayn stares across the bed and looks at Liam, disbelief still heavy in his chest. (He still can’t believe the boy lying naked next to him wants Zayn back.)

At the beginning of the day they were fighting, there was, name calling, screaming. Liam had brought his girlfriend on tour with them and Zayn just lost it. He thought maybe Liam could just get his shit together finally and realise that what was between them was anything but just the normal “bro pal” relationship. (Their touches was far too intimate and them sleeping in the same bed like lovers was far too much to handle.)  
He screamed at Liam because it was all he could do to make the ache subside. (The ache of want, lust and unrequited love.) 

“You can’t – “Make me think that you love me back by always touching me like that-  
“Just bring your fucking CHEATING girlfriend on tour with you.” 

“Why does that bother you so much? We’ve discussed it. It’s fine we’re in an open relationship or something!” Liam shouted at him and it wasn’t angry shouting anymore but something desperate, agonizing in his voice.

“She’s only going to break your heart Liam!” Zayn shouted back because it was all he knew how to do at that point really.

“Why do you care?” 

“Because you’re breaking mine!” Zayn screamed roughly with tears stinging his eyes and rage building rapidly in his body and then the next second Zayn’s hand was bleeding because he’d punched a mirror as a consequence of his blinding anger.  
Then the fighting stopped because Liam ran forward and wrapped Zayn’s bleeding hand in Liam’s hoodie then ran to get Paul. 

Later, the concert (Zayn’s anger did not stop to simmer in his bloodstream) Liam wanted them to talk and work it out while Zayn just wanted to punch something again or maybe scream until his lungs bled. Instead, Liam took Zayn’s hand and led him away to his hotel room and told Zayn with twitching hands that he was sorry for everything he had put Zayn through. Zayn doesn’t really know how his anger just seeped out of him in the blink of an eye. 

After the burning feeling inside his veins had settled, the only thing left was the fact that he still just wanted to kiss Liam. So he did. Unlike the last time though, Liam kissed back forcefully with something like sorrow, lust and hope on the taste of his lips. Zayn was fucking soaring over the clouds. He couldn’t believe that Liam wanted him back. That it was Liam who took everything to the next step, told Zayn that he wanted him. It was Liam who tore off their clothes then made Zayn a writhing mess underneath him. (Liam whispered sweet nothings into Zayn’s neck that made him shiver more than any touch ever could.)

 

September 2012  
Liam hooks his pinkie with Zayn’s, smiling warm and crinkly eyed at him. (Zayn is so in love with him.)  
“Hey you.” Zayn presses their noses together and Liam giggles, rubs his nose back at Zayn’s. 

“So where are you taking me for our first official date then?” Zayn wonders and presses his lips against Liam’s’ quickly because he can’t help the giddy feeling inside his chest every time Liam is even the same room as him. It’s almost like every time Liam is with him all of his senses are heightened, making colours brighter and emotions stronger. He feels almost euphoric just by one look at Liam because he remembers that Liam loves him back, finally. 

Liam had walked up to him with a nervous smile on his face and twitching hands as he told Zayn that he wanted more than this whole hooking up thing they had been doing. He told Zayn that he’d acquired feelings stronger than he’d ever felt before and that he just wanted to be with Zayn.

“I first thought that we could go to the movies but then there weren’t any good movies showing and then i thought that maybe we could watch a dvd but that didn’t feel proper. I figured that maybe you’d want to go to a fancy restaurant but then I thought that was too proper and then I wondered if you just wanted –“

“Get to the point you loser.” Zayn whispers with a fond smile on his face and Liam bites his nose in response.

“Subway.” 

“Ooo fancy.” 

“Shut up you donut. I promise I’ll take you to a really fancy date next time okay? Lit candles and romantic stuff you know,” Liam says seriously and puts his hand on Zayn’s cheek and brushes his thumb against his skin.

“I’m okay with that offer,” Zayn mumbles with a smile and kisses him again.

 

January 2013 

Their relationship had never been anything close to being normal. They went from best friends to lovers in about a day and they never did the whole going slow thing. It was immediately that kind of love that never really fades, one that stays with you for the rest of your life. 

They got together whilst traveling on tour together, not being able to go on dates like normal couples do, because things between them were supposed to be kept on the down low. At first, Zayn didn’t really mind — he liked spending their free days in bed with Liam so much that it didn’t matter whether they could be out in public together or not. 

After a while that frantic stage of being love sick around each other, things started to hurt a bit more in Zayn’s chest. Both of them had to pretend to date someone else and every time Zayn saw pictures of Liam holding her hand his bones felt like they were shattering underneath the weight on his chest. Although he knows Liam would never cheat on him, seeing him holding someone else’s hand still rubbed his heart so raw, he felt like it was bleeding. Maybe he’ll get used to it, seeing Liam with someone else, pretending to love them. He can’t imagine himself getting used to the cruel ache inside his chest every time he so even hears her name. 

When Liam walks into Zayn’s apartment, coming back from his “date”, he immediately senses something’s wrong with Zayn and tries to cuddle him. Zayn pushes him away, not wanting to cuddle but just wanting to be left alone with his thoughts, anger and jealousy. Liam rarely let Zayn be upset in peace until Zayn had told him exactly what was bothering him, and then usually after Zayn had told Liam, he would either offer a cuddle or leave Zayn alone. But Zayn doesn’t want to explain because he doesn’t know why he feels the need to scream, maybe it’s the pain of seeing Liam with her is like a monster growing, forming inside his lungs making his fears and doubts bubble up to the surface of his conscience that Liam would leave him for her and never look back, and suddenly he’s screaming. 

“I just want to be normal!” Zayn screams at Liam and he looks taken aback by it. It wasn’t a thought Zayn had expressed before so Liam just stares at him, confused. 

“What do you mean?” Liam’s voice quiets down, much different from the desperate tone in his voice before. 

“I just want to go on dates and be normal with you, Liam. I mean she – You take her to all of these places and I just want to go on dates with you and be normal for once in my life.” Zayn flops down onto their bed suddenly submerged in sadness instead of anger.

“You’re the only normal I have in my life, Zayn. And I want all of that too, I just really want to take you to fancy places and kiss you at the end of the night.” Liam sighs and lays down beside him, his hand traveling up his side to cup Zayn’s cheek.

“What do you mean by ‘normal’?” Zayn wonders because he doesn’t understand the aspect of being normal anymore.

“I just think that if we would’ve met at university, if all of this fame thing never happened, I sometimes like to think that our relationship would be the exact same way. I would still be as in love with you in that alternative universe as I am now,” Liam explains with a soft smile on his lips and a dreamy look in his eyes that takes Zayn’s breath away.

“Yeah.” 

 

 

 

August 2013

Zayn tried to tell Liam so many times, but stopped himself every time because maybe he wanted to spare Liam the heartache for just one more day. 

Management had called Zayn up and told him about the fake engagement, and how it was going to be announced on their movie premiere in four days’ time. (Act happy, the voice on the telephone said before she hung up and left Zayn in a cold, empty silence.) 

Zayn ended up telling Liam the day before the premiere. He had been walking around with a permanent stomach ache for days because he didn’t know how to tell anyone. (Except he called his mum locked up in a bathroom with the shower on and tears in clogged up in his throat. “I can’t lose him mum. I can’t do this.”) 

After he says the poisonous words that has filled his gut up with resentment and sadness the last few days, he watches as Liam’s face falls and tears forms in his eyes and roll down his cheeks. It tears Zayn’s insides apart because he knows there’s nothing he can do to make that pain go away. 

“When did you find out?” Liam asks him, his voice trembling and unsteady with his eyes, focusing on anything but Zayn. 

“A few days ago. I didn’t know how to tell anyone. I didn’t know how to tell you.” Zayn’s heart clenches at Liam’s expression and when Zayn wraps his arms around Liam’s frame, Liam goes stiff and doesn’t put his arms back around Zayn’s body like he normally does. Zayn feels cold with the guilt inside his chest.

“I’m sorry.” Zayn whispers and presses his face into Liam’s neck the tears prickling his eyes because he does not want this to become their reality. Maybe Zayn was a fool for wishing that he and Liam could be free soon, maybe he was a fool for thinking that things were going to get easier. (Maybe he just dreamed (too much) and lost touch with what was realistic.) 

“I know,” Liam answers him, his voice distant and numb and Zayn wishes he wasn’t the reason behind it. 

“I love you” Zayn says a bit more strongly this time and tucks Liam’s shirt in between his fingers.

“I know that too,” Liam answers him again but this time he wraps his arms around Zayn’s smaller body and they stay like that together, huddled up against each other trying to shut the world out.

*

Zayn finds Liam in their hotel room later that night, sitting on their bed with something cradled in his hands. Zayn walks up to him and sits down on the floor by Liam’s feet and puts his hands on Liam’s knees. 

“What’s that?” Zayn asks him softly eyes falling to the box in his hands and his breath hitches. A warm feeling spreads in his chest and he feels so much love for the boy in front of him he feels like he might explode. 

“I-“ Liam takes a deep breath and wipes a few tears away from his cheeks with the back of his hand and looks down at Zayn with a wobbly smile.  
“I bought this – I wanted to ask you over break, with our families around and- I bought it with mum because we are going to be so busy and now-” Liam stops himself and more tears roll down his cheeks.  
“And I just wanted to ask you to marry me over the break but now this - she-”

“Liam.” Zayn overpowers Liam’s voice and ignores his heart beating painfully hard inside his chest. He’s overwhelmed by the urge to feel happy but also sad at the same time because of this goddamn world who keeps trying to tear the both of them apart.  
“Liam, Listen to me okay?”  
“She doesn’t matter. You’re the only thing that has ever mattered to me, Liam. And I want to marry you. Just ask me to marry you over the break anyways. Okay?” Zayn puts Liam’s face in his hands and leans up to kiss Liam’s lips that’s wet from his (and now Zayn’s) tears.  
“I love you,” Zayn mumbles against Liam’s lips and pushes Liam down onto the bed and climbs on top of him.

“I love you too.” 

 

November 2013 

It’s only one day left of their break and Liam hasn’t popped the question yet. Zayn is worried that maybe Liam changed his mind and doesn’t want to marry Zayn anymore. Liam had many opportunities, according to Zayn, to drop to one knee and propose to him.  
The first opportunity Liam had when they were at his parents’ house and Liam dragged Zayn out for a walk to look at the sunset and they stood in the park huddled together. Zayn held Liam close and waited for him to hold a cute speech or something but he never did. He just kissed Zayn every once in awhile with a stupid fond smile on his face.

The second time was at Liam’s parents’ house and they were sitting on the porch. Zayn was sitting in Liam’s lap with a giant blanket wrapped around them. It was how Zayn imagined Liam would propose, something quiet and warm, just like himself. Liam traced Zayn’s hands with his fingers and whispered about a distant future without all this fame, a more quiet life for the both of them and Zayn really did expected Liam to ask him. Maybe he was going to but then Liam’s sisters burst out because they had just arrived and they wanted to say hello to Zayn and Liam.

The third time was when the Payne and Malik families where having a get together at Liam’s old house. Liam did mention something about wanting to propose around all of their families during that night. 

At the family gathering Zayn’s sisters kept giggling and glancing at him and Liam which made Zayn think that they knew something he didn’t. Zayn just glared at them until they stopped giggling and figured that they were probably only giggling because they loved teasing Zayn about everything especially how ‘disgustingly in love’ Zayn is with Liam. 

That kept happening all night, his parents and Liam parents were more sentimental than usual and Zayn’s mum kept looking at Liam and Zayn huddled together in the corner of the couch with a look of reminiscing on her face. 

But Liam never got down on one knee and Zayn didn’t get to see that velvet box Liam had held in his hand all those months ago again. Even as they climbed into Liam’s old tiny bed later that night Zayn wondered what Liam was planning, if he even was planning something at all.

*

It’s only one day left of their break, then they are off touring again and Liam hasn’t popped the question yet. They’re in bed and Liam is still sleeping because Zayn, for once in his life went to bed quite early last night, whilst Liam didn’t. Liam stirs in his sleep and Zayn knows he’s about to wake up so Zayn puts down his book and leans over and brushes some hair from Liam’s forehead.

“Good morning.” Liam’s voice is raspy from sleep, his eyes still closed. 

“Good morning babe.” Zayn presses a kiss to Liam’s slightly chapped ones, not caring that they both have morning breaths.

“Since when are you up this early?” Liam wonders his eyes fluttering open to stare right back into Zayn’s.

“This might be once in a lifetime experience. You better revel in it,” Zayn murmurs and Liam giggles, shifting his weight so they roll over and, looking down on Zayn.

“Well maybe we should preserve the moment then.” Liam leans down to kiss Zayn, a giggle still present on his lips.

“Mm, we should.” Zayn wraps his arms around Liam as he moves to kiss Zayn’s neck. Zayn’s head feels like it’s filled with clouds, all because of Liam’s kisses, so he barely even hears himself say it.

“Marry me.” Liam’s kisses stop abruptly and Liam looks at him, surprised. 

“What?” 

“Marry me,” Zayn says again determined a smile forming on his lips.

“I was literally going to ask you tonight.” Liam rests his forehead against Zayn’s and sighs.

“Well I got impatient.” Zayn laughs and while Liam joins in his laughter, Zayn wonders how he ever got to be this lucky.

“Well I have a ring and everything,” Liam mumbles after a while and Zayn is afraid his heart might actually expand beyond his chest.

“You better give me it then,” Zayn says with a smile and Liam scrambles off the bed and hurries off to the drawer and picks up the box Liam had held in his hand all those months ago.

Liam sits down on the bed again a small smile forming on his lips, unshed tears in his eyes and Zayn is overwhelmed by how beautiful Liam looks right in that moment. His hair sticking out, caused by his pillow, his lips a bit red from kissing Zayn earlier. 

“Ask me properly then,” Zayn says again because Liam seems stuck in time staring right back at Zayn with this loving expression on his face.

“Yeah- Okay. I-” Liam takes a deep breath so Zayn takes his hand and squeezes it a bit, focusing entirely on the boy in front of him.

“Zayn, I love you, body and soul, and I want to spend every last moment of my life with you right by my side. So will you please marry me?” 

Zayn cups Liam’s face and kisses him until Liam’s lips is all he can taste, feel and think about.

“Yes. A thousand times yes,” Zayn mumbles against Liam lips and he swears that not even all the fame in the world could compare to this. 

August 2014  
“Fishing is extremely romantic, excuse you,” Liam says and puts his head on Zayn’s shoulder, and angles his head so he can kiss Zayn’s jaw.

“If you say so.” Zayn mutters and pulls an arm around Liam’s shoulders. Zayn distantly wonders if their team hates them for being the cliché lovesick couple most of the time, but they’ve also been told everyone thinks they’re sort of adorable so Zayn doesn’t really think about it any further than that.  
“I think spending the day in bed is more romantic though.” Zayn would’ve added naked to that sentence, but considering that they are in public he doesn’t. 

“Of course. Are you still mad at me for dragging you out of bed so early?” Liam rubs his nose against Zayn’s neck which makes Zayn squirm away from Liam. 

“A little, maybe.” Zayn’s not mad — never was really. He’s actually really enjoying the feeling of the smell of the ocean and being able to bring Liam close to him without worrying who might see. 

“I would also like stay in bed all day. But that’s for another day. Now it’s fishing time!” Liam removes his head from Zayn’s shoulder and goes to grab a fishing rod. 

“Ugh okay. If you say so,” Zayn jokes and pats Liam’s bum on the way to get a fishing rod himself. 

 

February 2015

“I’m just tired of pretending. I’m tired of pretending I’m not in love with you.” Zayn sighs and drags his fingers over Liam’s chest to distract himself from the heavy feeling inside his own chest. (A feeling that’s been there for too long now.) 

“I know babe. I am too, but you leaving?” Liam asks and Zayn watches as Liam’s chest rises and falls in deep breaths. Zayn pushes himself up on his arm and looks at Liam in the dim light of the tour bus. 

“We could be free, Liam. I’m so tired of not being able to love you like I want. I just need to be able to write songs about you and not having to change pronouns. I don’t want to fake being engaged to someone else when it’s you I’m going to marry.” He bites down on his lip. Maybe this decision isn’t worth it. It’s all for his and Liam’s future but with that decision he would put himself and Liam in so much pain even before it starts to get better. (He knows though, it’s something he has to do.) 

“I want all of that too. I just think that I would miss you a bit too much,” Liam whispers, his voice a bit shaky like Liam is trying to hold back emotions like Zayn knows he is.

“You wouldn’t have someone who hogs all the blankets at night and puts cold feet on your legs though,” Zayn jokes in an attempt to make the air in the room lighter. They’ve been having this discussion for about a week now, ever since Zayn brought it up to Liam in a hushed voice. They haven’t mentioned it to anyone else yet. (It’s just been a hushed conversation kept between layers of blankets and stolen kisses.) 

“The thing is, I’m starting to crave those annoying sleep habit of yours.” Liam sighs and presses a kiss to Zayn’s forehead, wrapping his arms a bit tighter around Zayn’s frame.

“I know and I’m starting to crave you hogging all the space in the bed at night too.” 

“I do not hog all the space in the bed.” Liam looks at him with a mock offended expression on his face.

“You do though.”

“Do not.” 

“I’ve slept in the same bed as you even before we started dating. I know this stuff.” Zayn laughs and presses his face against Liam’s neck, his lips resting on Liam’s birthmark there.

“I’ve slept in the same bed as myself for my whole life.”

“You’re lame,” Zayn responds, laughing quietly to himself.

“You’re lamier.”

“That’s not even a word.”

“Well now it is,” Liam declares and Zayn sighs because he is too endearing and a bit annoying at the same time. 

“Yeah, yeah. We should try to sleep anyways it’s late,” Zayn mumbles, feeling himself drifting off slowly.

“Don’t you want to go to the hotel and sleep there instead?” Liam asks quietly touching Zayn’s face with gentle fingers moving across his skin. 

“No. If we were, you would have to carry me because I’m not moving. Plus, I like being crammed into a tiny space with you anyways.” 

“You’re so clingy.”

“You love me for it.”

“True.” 

April 2015 

“Hello babe.” Liam’s voice rings soft in his ear through the telephone and Zayn wishes Liam was right beside him so Zayn could put his arms around Liam and forget the world for a while. 

“Hi.” Zayn fights the urge to say to Liam that he wants to just book a good flight and fly off to see Liam. (He knows it wouldn’t work out, but that doesn’t stop his treacherous heart from aching madly.) 

“I miss you so much.” Liam sniffles into the phone and Zayn knows Liam has tears in his eyes trying to keep his emotions in. Zayn also knows Liam won’t be able too.

“I miss you too... I do understand now why people say long distance relationships are so awful.” Zayn picks at the material of his sweatpants trying to ignore pain of longing inside his chest.

“I don’t know how people do it.” 

“We’ll see each other in 15 days. That’s like 360 hours,” Zayn answers Liam, feeling a bit lame for actually calculating the hours left. 

“After that, it’s 24 more hours until I become your husband.” Liam’s voice is soft on the other end of the line, so filled with love, longing and happiness, Zayn feels as though he might combust.

“I’m looking forward to it,” Zayn answers, smiling. 

 

August 2015 

They’re lying in a hotel room, limbs intertwined, dimmed lights and the only sound Zayn can hear is the beating of Liam’s heart. Zayn has missed Liam too much during these past months, almost like losing a limb and having phantom pains. Right now though, he’s happy to feel Liam’s skin beneath his fingers.

“I didn’t have time to tell you this before you jumped me but-” Liam looks down at Zayn and smiles at him with his eyes crinkling.

“You look hot in this new hair.” Zayn laughs, cheeks warming up because even after all these years, Liam complimenting him still made butterflies erupt in his stomach. 

“Yeah?” Zayn moves his head from Liam’s chest and climbs on top of him, looking down at him with a smile. Liam moves his hands up and down Zayn’s sides, his fingers seeking the warmth of Zayn’s skin, much similar to earlier, but that time with pleasure down Zayn’s spine.  
“I thought you said I always look hot,” Zayn teases Liam with a smirk on his lips and Liam responds with a squeeze to Zayn’s sides.

“Well, you have to cut me some slack because I’m married to the,objectively, most beautiful person ever. You are always hot. I can’t help it.” Liam shrugs which makes Zayn laugh again. 

“I think you’re hot all the time too.” Zayn rests his forehead against Liam’s, relishing in the feeling of having Liam with him, because he knows that they have to part ways soon again. Zayn doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it.

“I’m glad the feeling’s mutual.” 

*

“Do I have to go? I don’t wanna leave you.” Liam sighs, pouting, which makes Zayn want to kiss Liam but he knows he shouldn’t because he would only be even more late and Liam is already late to begin with.

“You have a show tonight babe. And, it’s going to be great. You’re going to be great.” Zayn pulls his arms a little tighter around Liam’s waist under his jacket, not wanting to let go of him just yet.

“Ok, I’ll try but I’ll miss you too much,” Liam whispers which makes Zayn groan and Liam giggle.

“You’re going to remind me of that until we’re like 80 right?” Zayn sighs exasperated and Liam giggles even more.

“Count on it.” Liam presses his lips against Zayn’s and it’s a soft, chaste kiss, then he walks out of Zayn’s arms and climbs into the car that’s waiting for him.

“See you in 6 days. Love you,” Liam says before he closes the door and the car drives away with Zayn watching.

A few hours later, Zayn receives a text message from Liam.

Jaan;

I heard someone say on the radio that a home doesn’t have to be a physical place, but it can be a person and u r my home. I’m always home when I’m with u.

**Author's Note:**

> say hi to me on [tumblr](http://ziamnerds.tumblr.com/)


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